I'm dumb. Or better: my brain is dumb. It thinks stupid thoughts. And I don't know how to make it stop. But it annoys me tremendously. Since I can't get rid of my stupid brain, I guess I have to find a way to change my thinking; my point-of-view. Only question is: how?
Ok. So I am quite intelligent - that's what every test has told me. What they don't tell you: that doesn't mean, that your also smart. Unfortunately, quite often it makes you a smart-ass. And I really thought I was better than that - obviously I'm not. And this is a very uncomfortable experience.
So, I started this new work - or better an apprenticeship. Since my body is failing me, I need to start over. And of course, I am over-qualified. And of course, it's deadly boring. But I have done a lot of boring work in my life. I should be able to handle this. If only there wasn't my dumb brain with its stupid thoughts.
Since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I got rid of some stupid behaviours. Like not speaking your mind. Always being cautious. Afraid of what people might think of you. And I'm glad, that this isn't part of me any more. The problem seems to be, that my brain went too far to the other side. Now I'm kind of allergic to this behaviour in others.
But I'm surrounded by people that don't speak up. Only behind ones back. They get agitated over little, unimportant things. They always gossip. They avoid confrontation, even when it would be necessary. And they are unable to explain things or give complex instructions.
So, I made mistakes. That's something I absolutely don't like. But I already knew, that I'm not perfect. Mistakes happen. And they all do mistakes all the time. So my stupid brains sends me: "Well, don't worry. They aren't perfect either." And I have to tell it: "Stupid brain. That doesn't change anything - you still made your mistake. And you shouldn't have. Let's be better."
The same stupid brain thinks: "Why can't they admit, that they make mistakes. Instead they're always pointing the finger to someone else." And I have to tell my brain: "You realize, that's what you are doing?!"
I know, I won't build lifelong friendships there - and I don't want to. I just want to get my certificate in two years and then leave this place - to go somewhere else, where my stupid brain can feel superior.
The problem is, that they think, I'm dumb - or that's what I assume, since they don't want to teach me anything. So I'm not able to learn anything. And I'm not making myself useful. But, alas, I can't change others. I only can change myself. And eventually I will change their mind about me - hopefully.
I have to stop this stupid brain from thinking stupid thoughts. I have to concentrate and focus on myself and my work. I mustn't make mistakes. And I have to occupy my mind with other, challenging stuff.
So, I know what to do - I just have absolutely no idea how to do it.
That's why I'm restarting this blog with a commitment to all of the internet: I'm going to share everything with you. The good stuff. And the bad stuff. All my awful thoughts. All the things they say that make me think these awful thoughts.
Hopefully, this will help me clear my head. We'll see how this goes...
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